The pain that comes with loss is difficult for anybody. Losing a friendship because of being betrayed, losing a boyfriend or girlfriend because things just weren’t meant to be, losing a loved one because it was their time to pass on, or losing a pet to illness or unexpected circumstances.
When I lost my Sunny Kenny this past October I was devastated and not able to handle the situation how I desperately wished I could. I never thought any of the pets I had while growing up would ever become sick or die unexpectedly. I thought they’d live well into old age similarly to the first cat I ever had, Remington. He lived to be 22 in people years!
I was away for the weekend at my boyfriend’s families house when my Dad called me to tell me that Kenny became really ill and was going to an emergency vet clinic. Before we knew it, things went from bad to worse. The clearest thing I remember is sitting in the dark in Paul’s parents kitchen while Beaver (their cat) knew something was wrong and nudged up against me and let me pet him. I kept thinking in my head over and over “Dear Lord please don’t take my kitty, please don’t take my kitty.. I want to be able to say goodbye.” Then the following morning when I had been told the news all I could repeat in my head was “Wait…please take my kitty.”
I know he’s passed over the “Rainbow Bridge” as everyone refers to when their animals pass. I know he’s trotting along making silly noises with toy-mice in his mouth like he used to at 2:00AM and drive us all nuts.
What is it about us that makes us dread not being able to say goodbye? The fact of the whole matter is still the same…whomever you wanted to say goodbye to, is still gone. There’s an easing feeling and comfort that comes with that final memory. Being able to think to yourself, “at least I told them over and over that I love them and don’t know what I’ll do without them,” before their final breath. I can however, tell myself I know very well that he had a tremendously spoiled and love-filled life. And that’s comforting.
The first photo I ever saw of Nahlah, I thought, oh my goodness…I’m ready. I want another kitty and how cool is it that she’s also white and orange like Kenny was! Following her progress was so uplifting. I’d literally gasp when I’d open instagram to see a new photo of her. I talked with Paul multiple times about whether we could have a cat in the apartment or not and it always ended with us simply not being allowed. I talked with my Mom and Dad to see if they were ready for a new addition at home. I tried everything and remained hopeful to get her. When it was announced that she was available for adoption, I felt happy for her but kind of disappointed inside because I thought someone would immediately get her! Then, the following week, the news of her passing was crushing. Such a tiny and bright soul on a big journey. Starting so helpless and needy, and really turning out so beautiful. Her marble-like-eyes just looked like they held another world in them, and her slight touches of orange color in her coat were so vibrant against the rest of her white fur. I don’t know why these things happen and I don’t know why a random tragedy like this would happen to people who care so passionately for animals. I can’t even imagine what the staff of Sgt Pepper’s Friends must feel after having cared for her so extensively.
Here’s to my Kenny, and here’s to Nahlah. May you be running through endless fields, chasing mice, getting silly on cat-nip, and cuddling together in peace.